|
Local Poet - Jill Morris |
|
MEET Jill Morris
No portion of this work may be duplicated or copied without the expressed written consent of the author. |
Loving Me
By Jill Morris
Counting over and over
the times I’ve had to start over my counting
not because I had to but because I need to believe in me
so I can see what I used to be
and where I want to be
I’ve heard the possibilities are endless
I’ve risked messing up relationships and messing up me
yet I start over and I count again
I never expected easy
just expected to be free without cost
becoming a slave to my own insecurities
tomorrow will be different, I’ll try harder
so I start over and I count again
Playing this life game
neither opponent nor pawn
waiting for my turn to come
my patience has worn thin
I want to start over so I can count again
I’ve lost count so many times
I can’t find my place
Feeling like it’s been all one bad accident
bills due, promises broke, waking up is even a joke
I need to start over so I can count again
I had a list somewhere of what I was counting
I do remember that it started off something like
beautiful, smart, funny....
I forget the rest so then I start over and try to count again
I was never taught the acts of persistence, commitment
or love
Never held, never rubbed, never felt anything but pain
The counting kept me sane!
Without my list I grow older and colder
none of what I do remember will matter
and I’ve grown too tired to start all over
and eventually have no reason to count the reasons why I love me
BE
I’m here being all that I can be
but maybe you need more
more thighs, more eyes, more lips, more hips, more tits
allowing time to slip and slide
my mind is forever doing summersaults
I was sitting here, flipping through this album
staring at pictures of me and you
staring at the pictures makes it easier to lie to my friends
the pictures made it easier to tell the doctor I fell
when our baby didn’t make it
when he didn’t have a chance to live, to breath, to be
this one here is my favorite
it was the day we were in the park
we were smiling, you were holding me
it was the day you proposed to me
the day my life ended, ceased to exist
when I believed I was your everything
stupid, fat, lazy, crazy, dumb, slow
stupid, fat, lazy, crazy, dumb, slow
that’s your jam aint it?
you played it over and over and over
I know every word, every beat, every beat,
every beat, beat, beat, beat
I’m here, being all that I can be
covering up lies, mistakes and scars
leaving open a door for sorrys, I can do better
and even half believing them
wanting to believe in you, trust you, love you
I misplaced me trying to be all that I can be for you
I need to be all that I can be for me
no more no more no more
I’m standing up as tall as your lies
erasing your control over my life
erasing the pain and headed for me
to live to be
